Men’s Roles and What Could Be (Our Potential)

The Set Up

In the early years we assumed the roles of son, student, athlete.  Later, we were on a track to be father, husband, breadwinner, and home provider. With all of these roles we assumed significant weight and responsibility.  It was and is a heavy load.  We observed roles and took our cues from our families, media-created programming (television, movies, advertisements), places of worship and school.    Rules were established, reinforced, and understood.  In the early years if we followed the rules we were rewarded with grades, awards, and verbal praise.  If we followed the rules in later years, we would be rewarded with money, and with money we could buy things.  The rules were set up by various institutions including schools, governments, banks, corporations, and insurance companies, in the form of laws, regulations, taxes, penalties, and insurance.  Career progression and saving for your future and retirement became super important, because money and things would enable us to fulfill our society defined roles as father, husband, and successful person.  This was what was being sold to us, and we bought it.  Do you remember how many times, or the first time, you were told that you need to start saving as soon as possible?

In the meantime, happiness is missing from this equation, because we are not able to appreciate our current situation.  We are so caught up in the accumulating and striving for more, we forget to be in the moment.  How many times have you said to yourself, your spouse, or a friend, “I will be happy when…”?  Is it the next promotion at work?  Is it your next vacation?  Is it living in a different house, a different town?  When will we be in a place when we are satisfied?  When will it be enough?

Where Does Anxiety Come From?

We believe we are not doing enough to save for our futures, for our families, because it is never enough.  When can we rest, without financial security?   

From this premise comes anxiety.  Anxiety will always be present in a life of conflict, appearing bigger at some times, smaller at other times.  Anxiety is the result of fear - fear of lack, fear of limited resources.  Anxiety is inevitable when you are always in conflict with your environment.  

What if we believed that there is, in fact, enough for everyone?  Could we put our fear to rest?

Emotions and Their Place

As a patriarchal society we have perpetuated the role of the male, the masculine, and we are missing the balance of the feminine.  This lack of feeling and empathy is most obvious in our government (at the very top), and maybe in some institutions we are familiar with (such as our prison system, court systems, schools and religious institutions).  It is not as obvious, but no less real, in the financial institutional structure set up that rewards a few at the expense of many.  Is there room for feeling, empathy, love in these institutions whose practices are perpetuated by our roles as men?  We were taught to stifle any feelings that were uncomfortable.  Talking about the lack of equity implies some shortcoming on our own part as a man, weakness, because we are questioning the system.  This is the uncomfortable part.  As it has been defined in our roles, a man can only show love by providing for and fulfilling the roles as defined.  A man can then look upon his family and think, ok, I’ve done my job, this is how I am supposed to show my love.  As our fathers modeled, and their fathers before, any expression of emotion indicates weakness.  I am not saying our fathers were to blame - we all believed in this model.  If you want to be successful, and fulfill the role, you need to be strong.  Generations of this thinking have cemented and reinforced this way of life.

The love I am talking about, the love we need right now, is empathy, compassion, and deep appreciation for our fellow human beings, regardless of who they are, their social class, race, or sexual identity.  

I do believe that men at this time require a self-evaluation of methods, perspective, perception, and life goals.  This self-evaluation needs to include acceptance, forgiveness, and an openness to explore what is joy, satisfaction, and true purpose in this life.  

Endgame

What is the endgame, the goal?  Why are we here?  To live for tomorrow?   To be in conflict and anxiety because of the “ideal” life we are striving for?  

It is not what they said it was, it is not what we were taught.

I submit to you, the goal is to live for today, this now moment.  To live without fear, with love, is a lifetime journey.  But you will enjoy the ride.