Anxiety, Conflict, and Perspective: Part 2, Reframing

Perception and Conflict

This post on my refrigerator door is the second agreement of The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. According to Ruiz, when someone says something against you, it is really their issue, their problem - unless you take it on.

When you take responsibility for something someone says or does, or “drink the poison” as Ruiz puts it, you give the thing life. But there is no need to take someone else’s words or actions personally, if we know who we are. We can think of someone else’s actions differently, reframing them to be nondestructive.

Sometimes people do things that seem like they are against you but are not intended for you. I am extremely sensitive to smells and sounds. When I smell a strong perfume or hear a loud noise like a motorcycle, it is almost painful to me. I have in the past taken these “affronts” personally. Is the person who is wearing perfume intending to offend me? No. The same goes for the motorcycle rider who is enjoying his or her ride on a beautiful day. In the past I had thought that it was about me, getting annoyed and angry, judging people and putting them down in my mind. In reality, I can think about it differently: it is my own perception driving this conflict/angst.

Or, it can be a lack of action that can cause hurt. Maybe a friend or family member has not contacted you in a while. You have reached out, but you haven't gotten the response you were looking for. Did you do something wrong to offend? It’s possible there are circumstances preventing the person from responding, or that they have simply forgotten.

In any relationship, it may be that you don’t have to take something personally. Instead, in reflection, you can have a course correction. This could be with a loved one, a coworker, or anyone you interact with on an ongoing basis. I have judged my loved ones and people I work with for their actions, taking them personally (similar to the person wearing perfume). Is my wife deliberately trying to annoy me with the sound of her typing, which to me sounds like she wants to punish each key for simply existing? The answer is no. This can be my responsibility, my correction - I am sensitive to the sounds, so I will take ownership by putting headphones on or moving to another location. Another option in a conflict situation is to express yourself. Having a partner in a relationship that is willing to explore feelings can help get to the bottom of what is causing conflict. Course correction for both parties may result. The alternative to course correction is to blame someone else, build resentment, and have unresolved feelings - it can seem easier to do this in the moment. But with practice, you can choose to not be angry and resentful. This is different from Ruiz’s “don’t drink the poison”. You are looking to nurture a relationship, and to do this you need to engage, and possibly make a correction. Part of knowing who you are is an acknowledgement that course corrections are necessary.

Knowing who we are requires self-reflection. It has taken me a long time to begin understanding who I am. Meditation can be a way to get to the answers. There are books and people who can help you along your path if you would like to gain clarity of purpose. This can be an investment of personal time that pays off in self-knowledge.

Judgement and Perception

Wayne Coyne, singer for The Flaming Lips, reflected on how he perceived a situation, and then realized it could be different. According to Coyne, “I noticed two people huddled together at the bus stop…they looked uncomfortable; they looked cold and they looked poor…But then I saw their faces. Yes, they were huddling, but they were also laughing. I realized I had assumed this couple needed my pity, but they didn't.” How often does the same kind of thing happen to us?

Perception is heavily influenced by judgement (more on judgement in another post). But it is enough to say at this point, to let go of judgement is to open your mind to new possibilities, to view things in another light. It is through this lens that we can view a situation. There are times during which we do not have all the information to determine what a situation is all about. Can we hold off or suspend judgement?

When there is conflict based on perception, sometimes the conflict is only in your mind because you have drawn conclusions that are incorrect. We interpret and judge based on the information we have available at the time, and often the information is incomplete.

Reframing

There are some things that are out of your control, like your employer’s behavior. What is in your control is how you perceive and react. In the example I wrote about in the previous blog post, when your company does not offer an anticipated raise, can you see this as a non-personal action? Can you view your job from another angle? You can choose to be in conflict and assign blame to company management. In your life reckoning/scorecard, does this put you behind in your achievements, your measurements of financial success, your measurements along a yardstick showing your progress towards being able to retire? Are these measurements truly indicative of your satisfaction and fulfillment? What is important to you?

Where can you find satisfaction - are you learning, or can you learn new things? Are there people there that you admire, or whose company you enjoy, that maybe you could increase your exposure to? The job is not forever, nothing is. But it is your now.

Going with the Flow

I mentioned in the last blog post the example of the guy on the highway that cuts you off. What if you could say to him, person to person: “No problem, buddy, I give this space to you freely. I wish you well.” And you would mean it, feel it. What would this cost you? A couple of seconds on the way to work? If you can practice this, you will spend less time in conflict and anxiety. Can you apply this approach to other situations in your life? For me this is a lifelong work in progress.

Conflict can be compared to a river current or an ocean tide. Have you ever been on a lazy river at a waterpark? The lazy river has a gentle current that pulls you along. This can be an analogy for the forces of the universe, and how we interact with those forces. You can swim against the current (conflict), or you can move with it, steering yourself. Swimming against it, you will grow tired against a current that never stops. Or you can choose to swim with it, steering around the rocks and obstacles. If you meditate, you can quiet your mind, and imagine the feeling of a lazy river, gently carrying you along on this river of life.

References:

Ruiz, Don Miguel. 1997. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing.

NPR, February 26, 2007, Creating Our Own Happiness, Wayne Coyne