Meeting Basic Needs, Financial Security, Accumulation of Wealth

Do you remember this from the 80’s? Does a part of you still believe this?

The Accumulation of Wealth

In one of my MBA classes Aaron Spencer, the entrepreneurial founder of the Pizzeria Uno national chain, spoke to us. It was inspirational to hear his story. He started out as a vacuum salesman. He said he knew that he would never be rich doing that, so he became an entrepreneur, eventually bringing Pizzeria Uno out of Chicago and developing it into a national chain. I assumed he was happy, because he was rich. I believed that this path (being an entrepreneur and getting rich) would lead me to happiness. I never thought to ask Aaron Spencer if he was happy.

For men, financial security programming begins subtly with role models in childhood, continues with education in secondary schooling (via grades and competition awards/rewards), and upon entering the workforce is presented more blatantly as financial goals and retirement planning. There is nothing said about being happy along the way, except when you achieve according to other people’s standards. The freedom of “pursuit of happiness” is in the United States’ Declaration of Independence, but notably it is not called the achievement of happiness.

What is happiness for you? Only you can be the judge of that. There is an assumption that being rich or having money equals happiness. Clearly there are unhappy people who have money. And, there are those that try to measure happiness.

Some people believe that happiness is not a euphoric high, but a constant underlying satisfaction about who one is, and their purpose. Robert Johnson, in his book “He,” says that life in service of the whole is the only way of living that will provide a constant level of fulfillment. This does not mean you need to be a priest, or to give away all your earthly possessions to benefit charity. “Life in service” could mean showing up for the people in your life, showing that you care, enjoying the relationships and interactions. For me, it is about relationships, and helping people — this brings me great satisfaction.

The Role of Father and Provider

In the traditional role of father, the fear of lack is compounded, because the father is responsible for providing for the family. Provision of the basic needs — safety, shelter, clothing and food — is all in the father’s unwritten job description. As men, we were brought up, educated, and coached to assume responsibility for all family requirements. This is a never-ending list of worries that can overwhelm: house, cars, food, clothing, college, and retirement. The media and other institutions sell us what we think we need: vacations at Disney World, a house in the right town, or our kids going to the right colleges. If we are unable to provide “the best”, or if our kids do not succeed, we perceive failure. As men we are conditioned to not ask for help from the women in our lives-- that would be a sign of weakness and failure as a man.

When you combine the assumption of responsibility for making sure there is enough, with the idea that there is not enough, that equation does not work, does not compute! It is a pressure cooker!

We as men willingly sacrifice well-being for the good of the family. We have not been taught another way. The pursuit of higher wages through promotion and longer hours is the primary goal - we have been taught that striving for this goal can achieve happiness and satisfaction by providing for our family. Choices are made by the man that is seeking escape, that in the short term seem to salve the wound, or numb the pain, but in the long run cause damage. Lack of sleep, deterioration of health, spirit can result. Drinking, drugs, caffeine are used in a recreational sense to “take the edge off” but over time also can become a crutch that is difficult to walk away from.

Can we make an adjustment, instead of a damaging escape? As men we do not need to assume complete responsibility for the world surrounding our family. There is much that is outside of our control: the stock market, our employer’s financial viability, natural disasters, disease epidemics and so much more. Maybe you would consider a change within your control that will benefit you financially: for example, you can move to another town where your rent or mortgage will be lower. Or, maybe you can decrease your retirement contribution temporarily. Sometimes consideration of a possibility is enough of a relief. Is your lifestyle worth the sacrifice of your health or well-being?

Is There Enough for All of Us?

Is there enough for all so that worry and fear are needless? The basic fear is lack of resources, that there is not enough for you and your family, and that there will not be enough in the future. Yes, there are people on this earth that are hungry — without the basic needs: food, clothing and shelter.

What is your fear based on? What is your situation so that you are fearing not having enough? Is it not having enough for now? If so, I would urge you to think about the happiness topic we covered earlier. Maybe you can offer yourself some relief with a lifestyle change. Is it not having enough for the future — a goal that always seems to be out of reach? Not having enough for what: to eat, to buy clothing, and have a place to live? Or is it to do whatever you feel like: not work, sip martinis, and travel? When you are saving like Mr. Squirrel - how many nuts do you need to save? Are you living and present in your current life while you save?

The squirrel does not worry about retirement…

Work can be satisfying and fulfilling. It’s okay to enjoy your work, and to be compensated in exchange. I am saying don’t worry, there is enough to go around, and you will have enough for at least your basic needs in your old age. I can assure you the squirrel does not worry about retirement. Enjoy as much of the current moment as possible. Actively appreciate the things that bring you joy. Savor the smell and taste of a fresh cup of coffee or tea, or a nice glass of wine. Enjoy the interactions, conversations and joy of your family and friend relationships.

A Thank You Note

Thank you for being with me. I appreciate the opportunity to share these topics and thoughts with you. Would you consider a donation equivalent to a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine), to help me maintain the website? All donations go towards the maintenance cost of the site. Or in lieu of a donation, please consider forwarding the website link to a friend who you think this will resonate with.

References:

Johnson, Robert A. 1989. He. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.