Forgiveness

Forgiveness – Whether We Know It or Not, We Need It

We hold on to actions and events from the past that have caused us emotional pain.  Because of our linear view of time, the past is important to us, and influences our current actions. The good news?  We can change our perception of these past actions and events so that we release the emotions associated with them.  Forgiveness is this change of perspective, and it is so important because it enables the letting go of negative emotions that burden us.

Forgiveness of Others (Letting Go of the Past)

I believe there are difficult times when we all wish we could channel our rage, turn into a green monster, and yell “Hulk smash!!!” while laying waste to buildings and infrastructure (without harming people, of course).

In my high school, there was a boy who played the role of bully.  Well, there were many, but this one had targeted me.  Not being able to turn into the Hulk, there wasn’t much I felt I could do about it, and I accepted the bullying as my lot.  I remember the feelings of physical pain and humiliation that I experienced.  As a young man, and then a man, I tried different ways of dealing with the associated emotions, such as suppressing my feelings of anger and sadness, and having regret about what I should have done.

In the events that we participate in during our lives (as children and adults), we react to our roles in these events with emotion.  As men, we do not know what to do with emotions - we have not been taught or had role models to show us.  We are somehow supposed to just know. 

I found that it helped to think of the people involved in these events as players playing roles.  One of them was me - I was playing a role.  For me, one thing that has worked is a genuine imaginary hug from my heart to the person I am thinking about, feeling love for the people playing their roles all that time ago.  If not a hug, maybe a high five or a handshake would work for you?  By viewing myself and others in roles that we were navigating the best we could at the time, I am able to release the associated emotion.  Through this process of viewing the past events through the lenses of love, empathy, and compassion, we can let go of the events and the feelings associated with the actors and events of the past.

If not a hug, maybe a high five or a handshake would work for you?

Forgiveness of Self (There is No Need for Regret)

There was a time when I looked back on my childhood, and felt sorrow and pain, because I felt that my behavior caused my parents pain.  During my time of coming to terms with the past, I was talking to someone about this, and they asked me if I believed I was responsible for the situation.  I realized that I was not solely responsible.  I played a role, based on the information I had and the beliefs I held at the time.  My parents did the same thing, and we all had an experience together.  For me, to realize this was a change in my perception:  I did not have to be completely responsible, and we were all doing the best we could at the time.

We are all working with a certain amount of information at a point in time, and hold beliefs based on our experience up until that time. Our behaviors, decisions, actions and reactions are based on this only. 

There is nothing more.  Regret is not necessary, because there is nothing else that could have been done at the time.  We all do the best we can with the limited information we have.

Some time ago, I lost my job.  This was the result of actions I had taken (or didn’t take).  I felt bad for a time, believing that I let down the people I worked with, and all the other people I felt responsible to or for.  One of the most difficult things for a man to experience is the loss of a job, because in our society a man without a job is a man without purpose, without worth.  Feelings of rejection, depression, failure and defeat are all drinking up at this party.  When I lost my job I felt that I had failed at my roles of father and husband, and as a man I felt I could not talk to many people about what happened.  At some point years later I realized that I did not have the information to make correct decisions at critical times.  I understood this was not my fault, I was doing the best I could with the information I had.  I let go of feeling responsible.  This was what forgiveness of self looked like for me.  Is there something from your past that you could admit to not having all the information to make a different decision?  It was not your fault, you made the best decision you could at the time.

The Replacement of Judgement with Compassion and Empathy

As we covered in the reframing blog, we can change our perception of events.  By letting go of judgement, we open ourselves to new possibilities.

My job and my career require me to be a critical thinker – I am constantly making judgements.  The judgements I make are based on my past experience, including experience with people.  Letting go of judgement does not come easily to me when it comes to expectations of people and their actions and behavior.

For all of the people in our lives, we anticipate each person’s behavior based on our past experience.  But what if we let that go, and gave a person a chance to have a different behavior?  By letting the expectation go, we can be open to a different behavior, or our own different perception of the behavior.

If we understand that everyone is doing the best they can, working with the information they have, if we understand that a transgression against us may be the result of fear, can we have compassion?  We have all had fear of some kind.  Can we find empathy for someone else through our own experience?  Finally, can we appreciate the path that someone is on, the difficulties and challenges they are working through, and find love for a fellow human being making their way?

You can change the outcome of an interaction by changing your perception.  Even if the other person does not do something different in the interaction, you may view it differently through understanding, empathy, and compassion. 

My perception is not always reality (but it is my reality until I change it).