Less Doing, More Being

Do you enjoy riding the emotional rollercoaster?

By consciously taking the time to let go and just be, we can be one step closer to calm and peace.

Being

We all have responsibilities, so we are always doing.  We're getting our kids ready for school, working, paying bills, making food, grocery shopping -- the list goes on.  As men, we have been trained to believe that all outcomes rely on what we make happen.  With our active participation in fulfilling the responsibilities that we believe we are required to assume by society, we find it difficult to be still and just be.  Never taking the time to stop doing, to never sit with ourselves, leads to “monkey mind” or thoughts running through our minds unchecked, and the surfacing of emotions such as stress and anxiety.

We are always trying to do things, fix situations, figure things out, trying to make things happen.  Have you ever tried surrendering to what is?  One of my family members had a large outstanding bill that I was aware of, and I was really worried about the credit implications for them.  I came to realize I could not make this person pay their bill.   I finally understood that it was not in my control and that the situation would not be any better for my attempts to control it. 

Other examples of assuming control or responsibility could be involvement in a parent’s assisted living care, your child’s education, or your current job situation.  With children, we are always trying to fix things.  We care about the people we love and want to provide support, but are we really able to control an outcome?  Some questions you can ask yourself are:  are you the only person looking to fix the situation?  Does it have to happen today?  What would happen if you let go of fixing it?   I once read Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  One of his points was, if you don’t do something, will someone die, are you going to die?  If the answer is no, which it usually is, then don’t worry.

By consciously taking the time to let go and just be, we can be one step closer to calm and peace.  We can think of this as taking off the bridle of society’s expectations.  Perspective can be gained through the practices of meditation and mindfulness.  By focusing on ourselves and experiencing being, we can learn to let go of controlling or fixing the situations of others.  We can practice mindfulness - being aware of ourselves and our experiences.  Taking time for yourself is part of self-care, which we all need at times.

Emotions, Self

As young men growing up, a man’s role in the resolution of conflict was clear from any hero movie being shown…

When emotions surface, what do we do, what can we do?  These feelings manifest physically in our bodies as tension and stress, which can cause ourselves physical damage.  Are we meant to be on a rollercoaster of emotions, with highs and lows?  There is a middle ground, that is more stable, that we can work towards.  I call it “peace of heart”, or contentment.

As young men growing up, a man’s role in the resolution of conflict was clear from any hero movie being shown – all had a “strong” male role, portrayals of men without vulnerability or compassion.  As young men we observed Col. James Braddock (Chuck Norris), James Bond (Roger Moore in my time), Dirty Harry (Clint Eastwood) -- role models with plenty of confidence and shallow emotional depth.  These role models cemented in our minds the emotionless “doer”, the male was supposed to get things done without expression or display of emotion.

As Ozzy Osbourne’s song Crazy Train goes “the media sells it, and you live the role”.

The problem is that if we buy into the role, emotional suppression is the tool we turn to.  This results in anger and frustration.  Instead of suppressing, can we acknowledge the emotion, feel it, and experience it?  And then say, this is something I have experienced, but it is not a permanent part of me.  We can acknowledge it, and then let it go.  We can practice this on an ongoing basis to become an observer, to get off the rollercoaster.  The emotions are not us.  Michael Singer, in his book, The Untethered Soul, covers with depth the concept of our soul and its relation to the emotions we experience.

By reflecting on our relationship to the feelings we experience, we can recognize the difference between our emotions and our true self.  We can gain freedom by not staying on the rollercoaster for another ride.  This contemplation works well with meditation, moving us towards calm and peace of heart.

Self-care

What does self-care look like for you?  What feels good to you?

We all need self-care to provide respite from our lives, to create space to reflect, nourish and recover. 

We all need self-care to provide respite from our lives, to create space to reflect, nourish and recover.  This choice first requires reflection, and evaluation.  We can recognize the need for self-care when we feel monkey mind, anxiety, stress, or roller coaster emotions.  What does self-care look like for you?  What feels good to you?  What nourishes your heart, your soul?  Is it laughing with friends?  Is it being out in nature?  Maybe it is dancing or singing, or listening to music?

Self-care can include checking out.  Checking out can be alone time with yourself, and can be as innocuous as reading a book, or watching your favorite television show, or a movie.  Smart phones, social applications and video games have become more commonplace checkouts.  Alcohol and drugs are also used to check out.  Years ago, my wife gifted me a video game – Duke Nukem, one of the original first-person shooter games.  I loved it!  I spent hours playing it, until at one point I decided that I did not want to spend my time that way.  I put it down and never picked it back up.  Checking out can be what you need:  it is a pulling out of the human reality that we are all in.  However, checking out can turn into harmful avoidance of contact, and then it is no longer self-care.  Only you can decide when one turns into the other.

The self-care that is alone time and self-reflection is important for a quiet and calm mind.  Meditation can be a rewarding part of your self-care program.  However, self-care and meditation are time investments: we must put the time in to reap the rewards.  Take the time for yourself, make it a priority.  It may sound selfish, but your self-attention will result in happiness for you and the people you interact with.  And by letting go of things that are outside of our control, you can be more at peace.