Relationships
Our Lives Depend on Relationships!
In relationships, it is not only about the support that we provide to others (and they provide to us), but it is about the personal growth we can have through these interactions.
What Do Relationships Mean to You?
A man’s perspective can be that a relationship where we gain nothing of material value is a waste of time. In our prevailing worldview of competition for scarce resources, we are taught that worthwhile effort is anything that furthers us, anything that gets us ahead of the other guy. As men, we often fight against the natural feeling to need someone else, or people, for companionship. We were taught to be independent and that to ask for help is a sign of weakness. If you are interacting with someone to get something, to get it over with, you are only on a path to gain more material stuff.
The truth is, when we treat relationships as transactions, we are missing an opportunity to learn someone’s story. I have done this in my past, especially at work - I used to think that by not talking to people I’d be able to get more work done. We change this mindset and can get into a new habit when we work on it - we can practice asking questions to spark conversation. Each of us is on their own path, you may be surprised what you learn from a conversation. By recognizing the importance of relationships, you will become more fulfilled and less materialistic. I am still working on this course correction.
What is the purpose of relationships? It is through interaction with others that we grow: we experience pain or joy, we process, and we learn. Without interaction in relationships we lose out on the breadth of views, the variations of personalities that make up the beauty of society. During a trip to Sedona, Arizona, I received a book that told about a man who realized the value of relationships. At age 42, after his second heart attack, Lester Levenson was told he had three months to live. Through deep self-reflection, Lester came to understand that he was happy when he was giving love. I read that and over time came to the same conclusion about myself – I felt most fulfilled when I was giving love. I came to understand that it is through relationships that I experienced personal growth. In relationships, it is not only about the support that we provide to others (and they provide to us), but it is about the personal growth we can have through these interactions. And it is all the relationships in our life that matter, including our coworkers, the people we interact with in retail settings, and our friends and families. We are meant to be together, to learn from each other.
Communication and Being Available
When we practice open hearts and open minds on our phone calls, texts, messages, and in-person interactions, we can experience relationship expansion and growth.
Communication, a part of any relationship, is shaped by perception. As we have discussed in a previous blog, perception followed by lack of communication can result in confusion and resentment. If we are in a relationship, and there has been transgression or offense, and communication is not there, resentment will most likely result. As men, it is our natural inclination to not want to communicate, especially when there is emotion related to an interpersonal issue. Our ego tells us that we are in the right, or that we are wounded, and convinces us that further interaction will result in pain. Shutting down is our knee jerk reaction, responding to fear of hurt, rather than exploring our thoughts and feelings with the other person. In the previous blog we discussed the exploration of thoughts and feelings with someone can resolve a conflict, without resentment.
This can seem to be more obvious in our personal relationships, with family members or others we are close to. What about at work, where we spend most of our waking moments? Or school, or church, or the grocery store? While we may spend less time in these relationships, the interactions can be even more significant to a person’s life and their wellbeing. For example, a compliment from a stranger can make a person’s day. The next time you are at the grocery store, can you give a clerk or a fellow customer a compliment? How would this feel to you? The impact of an act of kindness can reverberate in our community, like a ripple in a pond.
As we consider the importance of relationships, we understand that the quality of communication determines the relationship’s progress. Is our relationship growing or stagnant? Our relationships are like seedlings that need nourishment to grow. The minerals, water, and sunlight to the plant are the love, compassion, and understanding through communication to our relationships. When we practice open hearts and open minds on our phone calls, texts, messages, and in-person interactions, we can experience relationship expansion and growth. The nurturing is even more challenging in this time of COVID-19, when masks and isolation are the norm. We need extra effort to maintain relationships because there is less person-to-person interaction, and less visible facial expression due to masks.
Being available in relationships is important. How can there be communication if one party is not available? Sometimes it feels like the easier path would be to shut down. A wise counselor we were working with said, “you may rethink having that second glass of wine so you are fully available for the other person.” By being available for that friend or family member, you will experience greater satisfaction than having another drink or an episode of your favorite brain drain streaming show. Some people call this “showing up”. When someone else shows up for you, that is love, that is meaningful.
Relationship with Self
When you ask the question, what feels good to you, this is a question for your heart.
As men we were brought up to keep doing, keep working. I remember being in my driveway shoveling snow and running out of breath. I refused to admit that my body needed a break. We need to ask ourselves what feels good to us (and what does not). This was my mind literally working my body to death, according to my training as a man. We need to see that our self, our soul, is meant to guide and direct mind and body, and honor what feels good.
Mira Kelly in her book Beyond Past Lives talks about an agreement between body, mind and heart. It is as if the heart says, “ok mind, we need you to figure things out, I will do the overall guidance. And body, we love you and agree to physically take care of you, so you can take care of us.” When you ask the question, what feels good to you, this is a question for your heart. The mind can help with ideas and implementation, but your heart knows and is there to be the main guide.
Service to others can feel good. Giving your love freely, how does this feel to you? What does an act of service look like for you? Showing up for someone you know is great, and it feels good when you are acknowledged. What about when you show up for someone you don’t know? How would you feel if there was no acknowledgement? This is something I think about regarding myself. What would feed my ego if there was no “thank you” or “what a great thing you did”? For me this goes back to the love that I have for others, and the love that I want to have for those I don’t know. If we can experience the feeling of love when we give to people we don’t know, then we can also experience satisfaction and fulfillment. This is ongoing work for me - it is ok that I am or you are a work in progress! The ripples that originate with us through service to others change our world - we are all connected.
Reference:
Kelley, Mira. 2015. Beyond Past Lives. Hay House Inc.