Obligation and Reciprocity

Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of, like a doormat?

Do you ever catch yourself thinking that someone owes you? Maybe they owe you money, a favor, or even time. There is a sense that someone is not reciprocating. Do you feel like you are being taken advantage of, like a doormat?

A good friend of mine has a child who is now in college. This friend told me that his son asked him about the possibility of a better car, even though the student’s car was very functional and reliable. My friend thought “how unappreciative! After all I have done, all I do…”

We are taught from a very early age that things are not just given to us, we must earn them. Society taught us that in order to survive (to support yourself), you must pull your own weight, you make your own way. Our conditioning influences how we interact with our children, parents, partners, friends, colleagues, bosses, and employees.

Society taught us that in order to survive (to support yourself), you must pull your own weight, you make your own way.

This kind of thinking, judgement, is what causes conflict and stress. You know it when you feel it, the feeling that something is not right about an exchange or situation. So next time you feel that friction with someone else, that stress, think about your perception and what your underlying belief is. What story you are telling yourself? Are you missing information? It is your choice to hold a belief. A different choice might be to give freely, without expectation of reciprocity.

If after thinking about it, you still feel like you are being taken advantage of, it is in your best interest to speak up and say so. This can be a conversation in which you may learn new information about the other person’s view or give new information to the other person. The conversation can replace the story in your head and decrease that friction.

By giving freely without expectation you can decrease the stress and friction. On the other side of an interaction, being a gracious receiver and saying thank you does not have to mean you accept an obligation but does tell the giver you appreciate them. And by letting go of a sense of obligation, by releasing the guilt you feel, you free yourself.